Okay, really quickly, I'll give you guys an update on what's going on with me. So much! All summer long I was busy doing TWO internships. One Bravo, part of NBC | Universal; the other with a local news station in Orange County called K.D.O.C. While I got one or two freelance job offers from Bravo since the summer, the commute to Burbank kills me. I've taken a steady job at the Orange County Register as one of two editors for their web show, The Juice (http://ocregister.com/juice). Check it out! It's pretty snazzy.

Film school! Things are going well. So far this year I've been inundated with requests to edit. I've taken on two senior thesis films required to graduate with two very talented directors, Adam Fox and Brian Garson, both whom I've worked with last semester. I've recently become attached to a small production called "The Bad Twin." It's a short 9-page script that I just fell in love with. The Director is David Gunther, a very nice junior-year. A good friend of mine is the Director of Photography and I'm excited to work with her footage. I've just been itching to edit a film since all summer I was editing news packages and poppy ExtraTV-like bites.

I've been bothering people at the film school to get a copy of last year's Cecil Awards and I've been told that they are going to sell DVDs but I haven't heard anything. Once I do get a copy, you guys will see my acceptance speech first-hand!

Four days later and I'm still in shock. It was one of the most amazing nights of my life. Everyone congratulated me. I hope I thanked everyone. I remember thanking Ross, my family, Carmen, and a few others. I wanted to thank Andrea for all those late night Denny's-runs when I would get frustrated at footage or a director but I forgot. I can't even get over how professional the awards show was. I'll get a copy of the DVD and make a YouTube video of the entire Best Editing segment so you guys can see the look on my face and my utter lack of vocabulary on stage during my acceptance speech... It was amazing.

After I got the award, they escorted me back toted VIP room with all the other winners and a bar. I couldn't believe it. I got my photo taken with my Cecil and it was awesome. Simply... Amazing.

I have been nominated a Cecil Award for Best Editor for my work on Pepper Mountain. I'm so happy. Between this and the premiers of Mannequin and Second Chance going really well, life couldn't be better.

Over the past month, where all these films are wrapping up post-production, I’ve experienced a change inside of me. Whether it’s a change in my benefit or harm is to be seen, most likely a mixture of both. Between all the success, failure, recognition and learning, I have an ego. A big one at that. The way I look at it, I have a few options. I can continue what got me in this mess by being self-deprecating towards my work while I silently build confidence inside by the compliments people give me. I can bring my ego to the surface and accept it. But that would result in a slow transformation into a Michael Bay-like personality and the world needs another Michael Bay like I need an ass hole on my elbow. So I’m just going to talk about it here, like a man, out in the open, then get back to work.

I’ve edited four films this semester, not to mention writing, directing, and editing a 3 minute short. I showed the fine cut of The Patient (my 3 minute short) in class today and they loved it. People that know me know I don't bull shit. I don't exaggerate and if something happens, especially if it involves people telling me I did something good, I tell it like it is. This is a no-hyperbole zone.

One guy said it was fantastically edited, citing specifics like, "When you cut to a close up I didn't even register that we went into a close up. We just were there, in the close up. It felt so natural." This isn't helping.

People I don't know at the film school strike up a conversation and tell me they heard from someone else that, "your cut of movie was better than the Directors". Wait, someone's talking about me? Where I come from, I'm just not used to the idea of being known to anyone, ever. It took me forever to be convinced that people from high school that friended me on facebook actually knew who I was. I guess I just have this impression that I'm invisible or something.

Precious Moments screened wonderfully. It wasn't regarded as a great film but people came up to me and told me it was wonderfully put together. On top of it, I have Paul Seydor's comment still rattling in my head from a few months back, "Nate, you've done wonders with this film. I thought it was unsalvageable." This, coming from a big Hollywood editor? I mean, come on!

At the end of class last Saturday, Paul told me and Laura that he'd recommend us to edit a Cycle film. Undergrads... editing Graduate films. I didn't know it was possible but he said it is with "special recommendation."

Both of the Directors of Second Chance and Mannequin think I'm some talented editor and both want me to think about editing their senior thesis films. I'll agree that with Mannequin I did some amazing things (see! there's the ego coming out) but I haven't even proven to Brian that I'm doing a great job with Second Chance. It's weird to have someone trust you so much. When I cut a line, I'm no longer pleaded to put it back in. I'm challenged on an artistic level now, not a logistical one. The most he has fought for was when he simply asked me, "Why did you cut that line?" I told him my reasons and he lets me go forward. He trusts me as an artist.

Confidence has crept up on me though the slow invasion of compliments into my psyche. In my head, I paste every kind word someone has told me about my work into a giant ego-boosting collage. This isn't to feel good, this was a survival tactic, if you will. In my previous life, I used that process of holding onto every nice thing to get through the day. I needed every scrap of love and kindness someone gave to me in order for me to survive. Back then, the ratio of praise-to-critisism wasn't as healthy when I lived with my step father. I don't mean to open up online like this but it's true. I learned to hold onto a simple kind look from a pretty girl at school for months because it would get me through the tough times when I dreaded going home every day. He'd compare me to my brother in the military, who, in his eyes, was far more successful. When I stopped trying to follow my brother's path in life and created my own in making films, I found my calling. Everyone recognized this except for him. But that was the magical thing about film. I wasn't using it to impress my step father. I did it because I loved it and because I had a knack for it.

I come from a place where I'm not used to the idea of making an impact. This has transfered into, "I just want to do my art, edit these films, and be at peace." After people watched the fine cut of The Patient today, it's like I got intensely genuine smiles from everyone, like they were really impressed with how much better it's gotten. Raymond wouldn't shut up about how great he thought it was. Once again, not kidding, not exaggerating. I'm just writing this post to get it all out there, sound like an ass hole for a short amount of time, and get back to my work.

Sometimes I'll ask if someone really means what they say. I'll ask, "You really think that was okay?" It sounds like I'm fishing for more compliments and someone called me out on it but I really was genuinely asking. I'm just so afraid of thinking highly of myself because when I fail, the fall will hurt so much more. How pathetic/unhealthy is that mindset? I fear the day I screen something awful and everyone is completely silent afterwards. That would absolutely crush me. I don't know how I'd handle that fall, not to mention if I let the confidence in.

Then again, that's what happened two weeks ago when one of the Advanced Production professor lit a fire under my ass and forced me to think outside the box. Maybe I should be okay with getting this recognition because if I spend so much time wallowing in surprise that someone things I'm talented, I'll miss a great opportunity. The thing is, if I become okay with this recognition, I become one of them. One of those film students that thinks so highly of themselves of which I refuse to be.

My plan? To keep going, keep editing, and slowly become less apprehensive towards being thought of as a capable artist. I know that sounds like I'm a dick but it would be worse to ignore the recognition and pretend I suck because that comes across as constantly fishing for praise. People wouldn't tell me nice things if they wanted me to ignore them. I won't let it get to my head but I will to my heart. That's what art is about anyways. I plan to be true to myself, listen to the critics, and forever evolve and improve my work. Along the way, I can let myself get joy out of the compliments people give me.